Craigslist Chronicles


Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-11-09, 9:34PM EST

Beautiful 4 post wooden bed set with premium pillow top mattress, queen size. my father recently passed away on the bed and now i cant bare the sight of it. its a constant reminder that my father, my dearest friend, has passed. RIP JOE SPICOZZI. Must schedule pickup. if you're in dire need of a beautiful mattress and bedset and don't mind the light (disinfected) stains on the mattress and pick it up...FREE. THANK YOU AND GOD BLESS.

 -Sorry for your loss. I no how you feel. Can I have it? 

$150 / 1br - Cheapest Rent in RI! (Cranston)

Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-11-09, 9:36PM EST


This beautiful Victorian playhouse is for rent at $150 per month. Originally built for my daughter, now 13, she has grown out of it. Due to the tough economic times I am renting it out to a respectable individual. The house comes complete with two standard electrical outlets and a 5,000 BTU space heater. There are also two sleeping bags available for an extra 15 dollars a month. No smoking inside, but barn style front door provides perfect ventilation. With space heater structure can reach up to 60 degrees. Parking available for a small car. No leaking cars. I don't need any oil in front of my house. No bathroom inside playhouse, but there is a convenient outdoor urinal (tree). Combination lock ensures constant security. Nice neighborhood, only possible intruders are the local raccoons. Also have a shower inside that can be used once per day between 7 and 10 am with owner supervision.

-Please give me a call about the rental and we can discuss it further.I'm relocating to Cranton area from Ma. now,the price is right.
I look forward to talking with you.

I was quite interested in renting the property and wanted to know if you would accept Section 8.  Please let me know ASAP.

Seeking Santa Claus (RI)

Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-11-09, 11:12PM EST

Seeking an authentic Santa impersonator to pull off the most genuine and amazing Christmas experience. Allow me to explain the wife and children approach my home to see who but Saint Nick posing with staged gifts and a sleigh on the roof. Then you will crawl down the chimney and appear in the living room to an awestruck audience! Must be agile enough to repel down chimney (4 X 3) and remain being jolly the entire time. Chimney will be swept prior to dissent. Explain how you're qualified.


•Location: RI

•Compensation: $250

-My name is David P, I can be very jolly and im skinny enough to climb down your chimney , the only thing is i do not have a Santa suit. Maybe if u have one i can do th job, nevertheless i still have the courage  to climb down the chimney  and give your children  one great x-mas experience. I  have 3 of my own and i love to see them  smile.
hope to hear from you.
Sincerely- David

-are you kidding,  are seriously asking someone to risk a broken neck climbing down a  chimmeny? havent you read or seen all the news stories about people who slipped and died doing this?  merry christmas kids look santa's dead in the chimmeny  wow  how irresponsible

I have no problem repeling down the chimney as I am a former us army ranger.  However, when I get the the metal flue stop about 3 feet up from your grate I'll have to kick it out so figure about 1,000 for the masonary work that will be needed after I leave.  Also, once I get out if your wife is hot, figure on me giving her a little finger up under her nigt gown.. Get back to me if your still interested.  I'll charge ya 500.. with a discount of 100 if your wife gives santa a little head.

-This is such a great idea. Kill Santa in front of your kids. Have you ever heard of the FLUE ? Nobody will get past it, or do you plan on removing it? What if this person slips on the way down, and drops to there death. You must have great insurance, or are you just going to give your house to the family of this poor dead Santa for compensation. I don't know who would be more stupid, you for hiring someone, or a person who would actually do it. I guess I will have to watch the news for the end result on this one.

-what the @$%# are you smoking. 250 dollars to "repell" down you chimney and be "jolly". Give me a break. GOOD LUCK. I say you can buy your own costume and do it yourself.


-My name is Mark M. I am very qualified for this job because for one i play santa every year for my nieces and nephews, and i sound like him to. I never did it going done a chiminey but i no i can and i no i am perfectly qualified. Please e-mail me back or call me at 401-XXX-XXXX. Thank you.

-I'm 19 would that be a problem?

Seeking Ugliest People (RI)

Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-11-09, 11:26PM EST

Local art studio holding a new and unique art sketch session. introduced to remind the world that not everything is beautiful. If you would consider yourself an "ugly" or "physically unattractive" person please send us your first name, age, and if you've had any modeling experience in the past. Must explain what makes you particularly ugly over someone who is not.


•Location: RI

•Compensation: $100


hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahaha
THAT is fucking hilarious! You've made my day hahahahaha

I find your ad and your attitude offensive. You have no right to place people in catagories, "beautiful" or "ugly".  To me, you are the UGLY person by promoting this idea!

Hello How are you? I just read your ad and I'm interested in modeling for you. My name is Raymond Smith and I'm 34 years old and I have modeled in the past with harleys and some other photo shoots for biker publications. I feel I'm unattractive because I'm a lil over weight and far from being in shape  and dont have the most gorgeous face.  Sincerely Raymond S.

My name is Jeff and I am 29. I have never modeled before. I think I am ugly. I have an odd shaped head and a dent on the side of it. I have a big bald spot as well. I think people like me because I am nice and not good looking. I am a nervous person and bite my nails down to the bone. I think ugly people have bad features and personalities. I don't feel attractive at all. Here is a pic of me.

Love Animals? Local Shelter Hiring (RI)

Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-11-10, 12:28AM EST

Local animal shelter is hiring a gentle and compassionate individual who can administer the series of lethal vaccinations that help put our companions to sleep. Prior animal handling/care is preferred but not required. Person is responsible for detaining animal, binding the animal to injection board and administering the lethal shots along with the removal and incineration of remains. 30+ hours/week. Please inform us a little about yourself to schedule an interview.

•Location: RI

•Compensation: $9 hour


-To whom it may concern,

I am extremely interested in your shelter position. I have always felt strongly about bettering the lives of all animals, even if that means euthanizing them.


-How can you advertise that as animal lovers that is just wrong people that love animals would not do that you should refraze that.

Once in a lifetime SECURITY JOB (hartford)

Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-11-10, 2:55PM EST

Requires tough individual for high pay. Must keep 20,000 square foot vacant warehouse free of squatters and homeless. It's been a problem for years and the building is basically a city to them. There are currently 30 "residents" and the number is expected to grow as the cold weather approaches. You must get and keep them out. Given can of spray mace and flashlight. you can supply/carry any other weapon (strictly for protection) if you wish. Tough job for only the best security professional. List qualities that make you right for job. 20/hr

•Location: hartford

•Compensation: 20/hr


-I have served in the US Army and have a lot of experience pulling security. I have my own gun that is registered and I can do the job for $19 an hour. I am always early and I never leave until I am relieved at my post.


-I am an ex marine also have my Connecticut Weapons Permit and carry both a .40 cal Smith and Wesson as well as a Ruger .380 as back up.  I was born and raised in Providence RI and come from a tough Irish family.  I donot believe that a group of homeless residents will be any sort of problem for me to control, and if they become a problem like I said I am always strapped.  I can put a 3-4 man security team together for an initial stun and then work alone. 


 -Sounds like u need a carpenter/security man. Give the place a clean sweep with dogs. My first advice to u would be to block and lock up all entrances and exits something impenetrable than I'll set up 24 hour perimeter protection have 2 (12hour shifts).  We have this problem all the time on job-sites "the key is prevention helps stop theft and bums"


Reply to: your anonymous craigslist address will appear here [?]
Date: 2008-11-10, 3:34PM EST

I am in desperate need of a brave person to do what the city refuses! i need someone to grab a very angry mother raccoon from a burrow in my side yard. even worse...a large hornet nest is blocking the entrance of the hole. I'd recommend bringing many cans of pest killer and thick leather gloves. a hockey mask, welders mask, motorcycle helmet, all are also recommended. please, experienced people...i don't need to see someones face get ripped apart. I'm not going to help you.  *for taxidermy reasons, i need the raccoons head. you must remove it. (pays 50 extra)


•Location: warwick

•Compensation: $200

-I can deffinitely help you out with the racoon and hornet problem I live in providence but I can come to you and conveniently enough, I used to work for a butcher, so I can do a clean job for your taxidermy project, I'll even cut the head off for free

Out of shape gym "buddy" needed (RI)

Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-11-10, 3:56PM EST

hello, my name is Luke and I'm hiring an out of shape 20-40 yr old male to accompany me in the gym. Firstly, I'll pay for your gym membership and pay you 15 dollars per workout. the workouts are between 6-7 pm Monday thru Thursday. Basically you are to stick by me throughout my fitness routine and look unsightly. the attention is to be brought to me, and my physical prowess. this is not my nature, I'm just trying to look as best as i can. good sense of humor is key. must be willing to do whatever i say (fetch water, towels, etc) and the occasional spot. we will not be going out for beers after. i am not your friend but we will carry general convo in the gym. if a female approaches you, you are to shower me with compliments and hand out my personal cell phone number. Please tell me a little about yourself in email. thank you for your time.

•Location: RI

•Compensation: 300/month


-your nuts

You should come to my gym..Wait it's called Bodybuilding Gym...Your looking for towels and a fitness center.  You hire me then will pay you to whip our bench after we bench you through the fuc*en roof.  You must be a fag. 

Septic Tank Scrubber (Hartford)

Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-11-10, 2:43PM EST

I recently started a business that restores and refinishes used septic tanks and systems. hiring 5 hard working individuals (no experience necessary) to open, disinfect, vacuum residue, brush interior of tank, sand, and paint. must have all hepatitis, tetanus, and flu shots. must not mind a foul smell and elbow grease. we supply ventilator, and white disinfection painters suit. pays 11/hr to start.

Septic Tank Restoration, INC

•Location: Hartford

•Compensation: 11/hr


-Your only paying 11.00hr, to do WHAT !

-Hi my name is Kevin and I would be interested in doing this job. I have no problem working with a foul smell. I have had my shots.

I wrote all of the following ads and posted them to craigslist. The responses are from real people and highlighted in RED. Get it?

I sent this to Jay Leno and 6 weeks later he had a bit called, “Craigslist Confidential”. Oh well.